Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
