Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize