My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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