he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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