You made me cry and you don't even care
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
