Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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