I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
