When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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