Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
