I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
