i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
