I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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