Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
