There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
