he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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