yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
