Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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