My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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