I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
