i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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