Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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