he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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