My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
