if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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