i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
