I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
