oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
