I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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