there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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