Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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