the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
