I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
