We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
