dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
