Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
