I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
