i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
