Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
