my phone needs a breathalizer
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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