At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
