there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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