There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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