So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
