I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
