I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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