I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
