ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
