There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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