You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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