I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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