Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
True college students do jello shots in the library
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