My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
