It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Randomize
