Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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