Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
