i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
love makes seman taste better
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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