After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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